The Light Between

                If you are in a community and you look around and there isn’t much diversity and yet you have done so much to be inclusive, it may be that you aren’t welcoming of trauma. Those who have suffered from social trauma have a heightened awareness of social situations. For those with social trauma (race, gender, economic, cast, etc.) it will quickly become apparent whether or not our suffering is welcome. Inclusion is therapeutic; it is part of the healing process. We cannot have a “drama free” community without simultaneously declaring it is a trauma unwelcome area. Sadly, unless our communities know how to be present with the anger and grief of social trauma, then our communities will remain mysteriously heterogeneous.

We have this notion of an individual speaking their truth to the world, and then…something? It’s this narrative of “if we can just get the message to those in power, then…. If I can just get this message to enough people then….” This is a heroic and individualistic model. It’s the same with ministry; get a clear message to the faithful. It’s a one sided model. And it makes sense that in individualistic culture, we would put an emphasis on the speaker as the causal agent. I believe this is oversimplified.

I have heard that every communication is an attempt at healing. Buried under decades of protective behaviors it may come out as abusive, but it’s usually in there. And one of those common protective barriers is putting the problems either inside oneself or outside. Both are wrong. But they are the best you can do when you don’t have another to safely discuss the between that happens.

In Mental Health first aid we were taught that strong emotions like anger usually come from a sense of injustice, and any attempt to calm or asking to be reasonable will also feel like more injustice. So the safest way to diffuse anger is to take it for a walk, get it up and out, agree with their sense of injustice, even if you don’t agree with it. Empathy does not equate to endorsement. That’s a hard place when you yourself are triggered, either into anger or fear.

The reaction to strong emotion is part of social trauma. When our outrage and suffering is met with “this is not the place for that”, it feels like we are not right for this place; our whole selves are not welcome. What if, on the other hand, when we are triggered, there were people skilled at empathizing and venting, who could steer the emotion toward themselves, away from other traumatized folx, and ensure we felt heard, that our anger and pain are also felt by another. That we aren’t alone.  An advocate who doesn’t turn into a representative, but a coach to help guide our emotions toward more equitable processes instead of relying solely on our emotional force.

My studies of conflict (organizational, racial, social, etc.) have brought me to an intense interest in connection. That space between two people that is described variously as safe, belonging, understood, heard, trusting, gracious, tender, vulnerable, sensitive, supportive, etc. my interest is in connection both as a preventative toward conflict as well as a space to heal from conflict, but it’s not a fix-it tool. Practice, regular and intentional practice of connection is what is necessary. To know what connection feels like, and when its not there and the honesty to be fully present and authentic, are all skills that can be developed with practice. And it really is a rich practice; there is a lot of subtle things going on when people feel safe enough to explore them.

A mentor once said to a class that whatever is going on in your team/organization is going on right now between you and me. We are participants in a dynamic, and we carry our patterns to all our relationships. Far from fatalistic it means that we can take responsibility for our part in any dynamic by focusing on another relationship, where we are safe to explore the dynamic. This is why I say practice is so important, especially with people you hardly know. Established relationships are already too layered and loaded, it can be done with a good therapist, but you may not want to go to couples counseling with your boss/employee.

For me, seeking connection is a courageous activity. It can be done with lightness or intensity and the full spectrum in between. The sense of connection is itself a reward, lots of endorphins. And I am starting to see it as a foundational spiritual practice. Perhaps my only spiritual practice, one devoted to the peaceable kingdom, the beloved community, a healing presence.